a·lone
- 1.having no one else present; on one's own."she was alone that evening"
synonyms: by oneself, on one's own, all alone
There are many parents in the world raising a child or multiples alone. In the United States, one quarter of all households are single mothers and another six percent are single fathers. Many of these mothers are in a lower socio-economic bracket and lack formal education. But that's not always the case. Life is messy and times are changing. Women are wanting to have children without a partner. Fathers are getting full custody during separations. Mothers are married but have partners that are unsupportive. Divorce rates are high. There are many ways in which a parent can find themselves alone in raising a child.
Not to go into all the juicy details of my personal life but my situation fits into the messy non-conventional category at the moment. I am in relationship but am physically alone. Although we both view this situation as temporary, it doesn't take away from the fact that I have been alone raising our child for the past 5 months.
According to the U.S. government and many other social services, I am a single mother. However, I don't really identify with the term "single mother". Maybe it's because I am still in relationship or view the situation as temporary...But honestly I find something dis empowering about the term "single mother". I would rather refer to myself as being alone. Alone gets mixed up with the word lonely. But they are two separate things. Lonely implies a lack versus alone suggests a fullness. A freedom to do what you want. A sense of being enough. I prefer to feel as if I have a choice in the situation and that I am not a victim of my circumstances. This is in no way intended to offend those of you reading this that do identify with being a single parent. Nor down play the challenges that are associated with the situation. I just know for myself, I choose and create my life and right now I am choosing to raise my child alone.
Raising a child alone is a lot of work. Being a parent in general is a lot of work but when you are alone you literally do everything. If you are fortunate, you can hire help and you will most definitely ask friends and family to help you. Raising a child isn't a one man show. You need others in order to survive. So in many ways, you will not and cannot raise a child completely alone.
There are downsides to raising a child alone. If you have a small child, you will not leave your house after 7 pm on most nights...not even to nip out to the grocery store really quick. You will not sleep in past 6:30 am. And you will take care of your child even when you are sick and feel like death. You will change a million diapers and kiss a thousand boo boos. You will miss appointments and classes because you will forget about arranging child care. You will have moments when you cry with your child because you both are so exhausted and you feel like there is no way that you are capable of doing it alone. Finances will probably be tighter. You will get pushed to your edge daily because there is not that other person there to deflect the energy of your youngster. If you are on a spiritual path of any kind, you will evolve and grow rapidly!
There are always two sides to a coin. As I said earlier, alone can mean a freedom to do what you want. And that's exactly what you do when you are raising a child alone. You don't make compromises. You wake up every morning and plan the day, the way your heart desires. You get all the hugs and kisses. You get so much admiration that you feel something between a super hero and royalty. Your heart feels so full of love that sometimes you feel it may burst. You get to take all the credit in public for your child's cuteness and good behavior. You are the sole recipient of all the goodness you give to your child that gets mirrored back to you.
There are times when it feels more lonely then an empowered choice. Frequently, I wish that I wasn't alone with my son and had his father here or we there with him. But in those moments, I have realized that I am depleted. Those are the alarm signals to my higher self to increase self care and nurturing. To surround myself with friends and support. Those are the moments when I realize I need to mother myself.
I don't want to raise my son alone forever.
But as I said before, you cannot truly raise a child alone. Your friends and family will be there to love and support you along the way. I couldn't be doing half as good a job as I am now if it weren't for the love and support from my family, dear friends, colleagues, and partner. And no matter your life situation that has you raising your child alone, you will find and create the resources to nourish and sustain you.
My Survival Tips
1.) Look into free services your community offers and see if you are eligible. Childcare is the MOST expensive thing so if you can get that for free you are golden.
2.) Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. I find this one challenging but have been blessed with friends that offer.
3.) Make time away from your child and doing something nice for yourself a daily or weekly priority. You will get burnt out super quick if you don't practice self care. It could be as simple as asking a friend to watch your child and going for a long walk. Just make the time.
4.) Connect with other moms so that you have mom friends (or dad friends!) Mom friends will offer you a listening ear. They can relate. And they can watch your child if you're in a pinch.
5.) If you have a baby, try to get your baby on a nap schedule so that you can predict the time he/she will sleep every day. That way you can plan your day accordingly and you can avoid an overtired cranky baby as much as possible. The only reason I was able to get through my last semester of classes in grad school was because I knew I could study during nap times and I knew when and for about how long. The book Healthy Sleep Habit, Happy Child is amazing.
6.) Remember you create your life. If you don't want to be alone, then don't be. You can always choose a new relationship, live with family, share a home with another family, surround yourself with friends etc. Your life is up to you to design.
Resources for New Mexico that I have found helpful
Many Mothers
Free mothers helper 1st three months of baby's life
First Born Program
Support & education 1st 3 years of baby's life
Mommy Meet Up Group
You'll need mom friends and play dates
Body
They have a childcare center. It's great to go to a yoga class and have a chai and not have to schedule a sitter
With so much love,
xoxo
Nancy
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