I hate myself

Wow!  Those are some really harsh words to say.  And you might be thinking "Girl you are being a bit dramatic!".  But have you ever heard the saying that "when you say no to something, you are saying yes to something else"?  Well, I became highly aware today that I have been saying a big fat NO to self acceptance and by default saying YES to self judgement, criticism, and maybe even hatred.

Today I went to a yoga class.  And I decided to wear the new Lululemon sports bra I splurged on this week.  About ten minutes into the class, I removed my tshirt and was yoga-ing in my sports bra and yoga pants. (It was super hot in there!)  To an outsider I probably appeared to be very confident in my own skin.  Especially to be exposing the most vulnerable tender part of my abdomen!  But you know what I did for at least half the class and in most of the poses?!  Judged and criticized my body!

"Ew!  Look at how my belly hangs like that!"

"Gosh I wonder if my stomach looks that massive to everyone else?"

"My thighs look squishy!"

"Wonder if the girl behind me sees what I see?!"

I mean seriously!  I am a yoga teacher.  I am someone who claims to be practicing a path of self awareness and personal growth.  And there I was taking jabs at poor little Nancy the entire class.  Granted I was aware of that voice the entire class and that's a huge step.  I was aware enough to have moments where I came back to the present moment, back to my breath, and back to the wholeness and beauty that are me.  But my monkey mind was persistent.

At some point my teacher, Josh, was speaking of surrender.  The strength in surrender.  The softness of surrender.  The fear of death.  The fear of letting go.  Surrendering into the pulsing river of life.  All concepts and words that I myself have spoken to students in my own classes.  But today when I was on the receiving end, it really hit me how deeply and profoundly pregnancy, birth, and motherhood have altered me.

When I heard the words "softening" and "surrender" together, my mind drifted to the softening of my body when I was pregnant and after childbirth.  The softening that happened to my body even with all my best efforts to stay tone and fit.  The softening that allowed new life to come into this world.  A softening that I struggled to surrender to.  A softening that I look at disdainfully now.

The hardest part of my pregnancy was the lack of control I had over my own body.  I did not gracefully surrender to the changes that were happening both internally and externally.  I watched like an outsider...white knuckled in fear.  Would my body return to it's sexy tone shape that I had identified as a part of myself?  Would I get stretch marks?  Would my boobs sag after breastfeeding?  Would I go back to being ME?

And just as I feared, I did not return back to "normal".  I am now 16 months postpartum and have come to realize that there is no way that things can go back to the way they used to be.  I am no longer that person...nor can I be that person.  My baby stretched, softened, and tore my body and my soul.

The pressure women feel to "get their bodies back" after childbirth is screwed up.  It's a complete lie!  You can never "get your body back" because you have a whole new body.  And I am not saying that you cannot loose weight, regain toneness, and all that jazz.  Yes, you can indeed do all of those things, but the false hope that you will go back to how you used to be is just B.S.

Motherhood changes you in ways that you never knew possible.  What I became aware of today was the amount of resistance I have put up towards the new version of me.  The amount of control and force I have used towards myself to try to regain something that I can never obtain.  That pulsing river of life has made me a mother. It has given me the most precious gift in the form of my child. And instead of surrendering to that change, appreciating myself in all my strength and beauty, I have been resisting.

So do I love myself now after realising all this?  NO.  But I am trying.   I don't feel that there is an end to this practice.  Each day I am new and each day I must recommit to allowing life to unfold as it will.  Resistance is suffering.  True love is total acceptance.  And for me surrendering to the softness of my body and heart is a practice.

With so much love,

xoxo

Nancy

P.S.  If you'd like to read another great article about postpartum body image click here.  Thanks Amy!