Birth as a Touchstone

Often, as new mothers, we are overcome with birth memories which deplete our energy or challenge our self-esteem and our ability to choose wisely and joyfully the many decisions we must make for ourselves and our famililies on a daily basis. We just don’t have the time or energy to process or birth and yet, the birth of our children is a major touchstone in a woman’s life: an experience that shapes the inner landscape of how she defines herself as a woman and a mother. In fact, she revisits and refers to this “touchstone experience of birth” frequently throughout her life as a source of self-reflection and direction.

Before I go further, take a moment right now to reflect on the birth of your first child. Close your eyes, breathe and gently allow yourself to revisit this momentous experience in your life. What do you notice that arises immediately? Perhaps a mixture of positive and negative feelings and images begin to surface; or just positive or just negative. For a lot of moms, the predominant feeling that comes to mind first around her child’s birth are feelings such as disappointment, confusion, guilt, anger, sadness, powerlessness, betrayal, self-hatred or shame. Even when victorious in the eyes of others, she can’t seem to get beyond the fact that her birth did not go the way she envisioned or hoped. She did everything right, and yet it turned out so wrong (I use these dualistic terms of positive/negative, right/wrong loosely, but you all know what I mean).

We can “extract” if you will, touchstones of strength, courage, transformation, beauty and joy from both the negative and postivie experiences of our births. I’ll share a little of my birth story, which still, to this day I am so grateful for, despite the particular challenge I faced (not to mention I have a beautiful 24 year old daughter, Maia whom I love more than all the stars in the sky).

For years after my daughter’s birth, I could not fathom why my cervix got stuck at 9 cenimeters for 3 hours, with relentless back-to-back painful contractions. Why couldn’t my midwives fix this? I even thought that they were secretly withholding some pain relief that they could offer me. What was wrong with me? Why did I have to endure that kind of pain? I even thought for a long time, that I was being punished. Above all, I wondered how could my body betrayed me like that? The images of this phase of my labor haunted me for months after the birth. In time, I finally got the answer I needed to calm these relentless questions in my mind, which then actually allowed me to enjoy the real beauty and joy of my daugther’s birth.

I had a dream when my daughter turned 2,½ years old that began the very painful but liberating unraveling process of remembering my childhood incest. That’s a longer story – but I can clearly see now, how this affected my birth experience. Even beyond the confusion around sexuality that accompanies incest, for me the predominant obstacle was that I couldn’t trust my own body and, for those three miserable hours, I became distrusting of those around me. The truth is, I actually adored my two midwives and husband, and chose to have a homebirth for that very reason – I only wanted those present whom I could deeply trust. For those three hours, all that trust I had for these cherished three collapsed. I felt desperately unmet. In retrospect, I see how they all lovingly held space for me and never once doubted me.  

The touchstones I take away from this part of my labor allowed me to unlock repressed memories which had silently crippled my being for many years; to develop a level of compassion towards myself I had never known, which then allowed for healing in the years to follow; and finally to openly receive the faith others have in me which can then wisely love, support and guide me, especially in times of transition. What are some of the circumstances of your birth(s) from which you can select empowering and transmuting touchstones?

Elizabeth Rose has practiced and taught Massage for the Childbearing Year for 25 years, attended 100+ births as a Labor Support Doula, and is co-founder of MothersMandala.com with Elenya Grafals – the umbrella organization for their work. Most recently, she has become a Family Constellation Facilitator in the tradition of Bert Hellinger’s intergenerational healing work. She is also a mother to her inspiring 24 year old daughter, Maia.